Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
