there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
