dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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