So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
