I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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