I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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