Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
