I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
