it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
