she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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