'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
just found out that she named her cat after me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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