The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
