so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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