Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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