getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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