update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
