Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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