What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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