Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
