i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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