Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
