Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
