hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
