Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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