I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So squirting runs in the family.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
