I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
