It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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