The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
