but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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