The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I checked into jail on foursquare
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
