yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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