My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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