I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
