If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
