Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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