She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
