gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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