youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
