I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
