Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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