I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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