so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
