There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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