Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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