she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
