Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
