I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
