There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
