Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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