sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The best revenge is premature balding
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
