Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I puked a lego.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
