forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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