I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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