Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
wanna go halves on a baby?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
